The Oscars Late-Live Discussion

For The Oscars, Jeffrey went over to Andres’ house to watch the ceremony with Andres’ mother, and a mutual friend, Roberto.

Here are the reactions to the winners from Jeffrey and Andres. Andres is transcribing.

[During the opening monologue, “Nobody cares about best cinematographer” (cut to bad shot)]

Jeffrey: What the hell, haha.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

“And the Oscar goes to…”
SPOTLIGHT

Jeffrey: Hah! Nice!

Andres: Saw this coming.

Jeffrey: Wait, you picked it too?

Andres: Yeah.

Roberto: I did too.

Andres’ Mom: Me too.

Jeffrey: Damnit, I thought I was unique.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

“And the Oscar goes to…”
THE BIG SHORT

Jeffrey: Aah shit.

Andres: Really?! Wasn’t expecting this. Really thought Room was gonna pick it up.

[McKay gives his acceptance speech while a dude seemingly standing on stumps looms behind.]

Jeffrey: Sorry, congrats to Adam McKay, but let’s try and solve the mystery of the guy’s missing feet.

[First commercial break, and so far it’s 1/1/1/1 all around]

[And we’re back, and into the parody sequences]

Andres: Is that Leslie Jones?

Jeffrey: This is great.

Andres: I love Tracy Morgan.

Jeffrey: Is Jeff Daniels staring straight into the camera right now?

[Sam Smith begins performing “Writing’s on The Walls”]

Jeffrey: One of the worst bond themes…

Andres: The original song category is just boring. Can we just fast forward through this part?

Jeffrey: At least this Bond part, and I love Bond. You’re not a Bond guy, right?

Andres: I’m not not a Bond guy. I’ve only seen the Daniel Craig films

Jeffrey: Ah, best Craig theme?

Andres: Adele’s Skyfall. You can’t compare with that. Do you like Chris Cornell’s?

Jeffrey: I do.

Andres: This just reminds me of that one episode of the Canon.

[As they show clips from The Big Short.]

Andres: I don’t know about innovative editing…

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Andres: Oh shit, this is tough.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
ALICIA VIKANDER

Jeffrey: Damnit. Always goes with most not best.

Andres: Why couldn’t this have been for Ex Machina?

Jeffrey: Oh God! Look at Tom Hooper. We need a gif of that. And what’s up with that scrolling text?

Andres: It’s real awkward.

[Turns out it was preemptive “thank yous” from the winners. Second commercial break, and Andres’ Mom now is 1 up on everyone]

COSTUME DESIGN

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Andres: DAMNIT!

Jeffrey: Yes! Mad Max: Fury Road is gonna sweep.

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Andres: Gotta love Tina Fey and Steve Carrell.

Jeffrey: If I could choose, I’d go with Bridge of Spies. I love cold war era aesthetics.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Jeffrey: …BUT I’D RATHER BE RIGHT!

MAKE-UP AND HAIRSTYLING

[Jared Leto mentions Magic Mike 2]

Andres: …that’s not the title.

Jeffrey: XXL! Get it right!

[Nominations being read]

Jeffrey: Sweep… sweep… sweep.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Andres: So I have “And the Oscar goes to…” copied, but I should also copy Mad Max: Fury Road.

[As Chris Rock calls Rachel McAdams, and Michael B. Jordan up, he mentions that MBJ should be nominated]

Jeffrey: Should have been is right.

Andres: I’d be okay with him winning.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Jeffrey: Why are we not cutting to the actual clips?

“And the Oscar goes to…”
EMMANUEL LUBEZKI

Andres: DAMNIT!

Jeffrey: Fuck. If Lubezki wins, I don’t want Iñárritu to win.

EDITING

[Star Wars is shown]

Andres: Hah!

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Jeffrey: Nice!

[The Minions are on their way]

Andres: Ugh.

Jeffrey: Why?

[Commercial break, Jeffrey is at 5, Andres is at 3.]

SOUND EDITING

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Andres: Winning EVERYTHING right now.

SOUND MIXING

[Clip of the Revenant with Leo swimming]

Andres’ Mom: Does he think he is a polar bear???

Jeffrey: Andres, write that down!

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Jeffrey: Has a movie that won sound editing ever lost mixing?

Andres: …I’ll do the research after.

*Updated: It seems as if every other year, it’s two different films instead of just one.*

[Andy Serkis’ CGI performances]

Andres: Yes. Let’s ONLY showcase one actor’s work, but not nominate him for any awards?

VISUAL EFFECTS

[Nominations’ footage reel shows that Matt Damon’s beard in The Martian was CGI.]

Jeffrey: We were lied to!

“And the Oscar goes to…”
EX MACHINA

Andres: YES! Some love for Ex Machina. First win for A24!

Jeffrey: Didn’t choose them, but real happy about this.

[C3PO, R2-D2, and BB8 roll on stage. Jacob Tremblay stands up.]

Jeffrey: Okay, that’s cute. Also, there is diversity. They have a gay robot on stage.

[C3PO stares longingly at the Oscar statue]

Jeffrey: Told you he’s a gay robot!

[Commercial break, Andres is now only down by one]

ANIMATED SHORT FILM

Andres: This is when World of Tomorrow is gonna win.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
BEAR STORY

Andres: WHAT?!

Jeffrey: Didn’t choose it but it’s FROM CHILE! VIVA CHILE MIERDA!

[The winner says “Viva Chile”]

Jeffrey: YES!

ANIMATED FEATURE

Andres: It hurts so much that Anomalisa won’t win.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
INSIDE OUT

Andres: For the record, I wrote the winner before they even announced it. This is a beautiful speech.

[The Weeknd begins performing; I get to take a break.]

[Back from break, and more clips from the Best Picture noms. Reese is smiling as they’re talking about Spotlight]

Jeffrey: Now is not the time to smile, Reese.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

“And the Oscar goes to…”
MARK RYLANCE

Andres: What?

Jeffrey: I’m happy for him, but I wanted Stallone to win.

Andres: This is so surprising.

Jeffrey: This may be the most “classic Hollywood” moment.

[Louis CK come out for Doc. Short]

Jeffrey: Louis is great.

[“Mad Max? No.” Haha!]

“And the Oscar goes to…”
A GIRL IN THE RIVER: THE PRICE OF FORGIVENESS

[Literally everyone but Andres chose it]

Andres: Aw… This is a great speech.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

“And the Oscar goes to…”
AMY

Andres: Having not seen any of these, I think Look of Silence may have deserved it, but I can’t argue with the final decision.

[Back to the bit about the cookies, which is incredibly sweet and hilarious. Good ol’ Suge Knight!]

Jeffrey: Business Idea! Sugar cereal: Suge Knights.

[Well deserved collective silence.]

[Dave Grohl performs “Blackbird” over the In Memoriam]

Jeffrey: Time for some inappropriate clapping.

Andres: It’s always a rough year…

[Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah. Chris Rock running on stage with wood stools. “I’m a good person.”]

Andres: This is just adorable.

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM

“And the Oscar goes to…”
STUTTERER

Andres: Whoa! I guessed this one. I guess I have to watch it now.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

“And the Oscar goes to…”
SON OF SAUL

Andres: I am upset I did not see this in 35mm at TIFF.

Jeffrey: Dammit, I forgot the cardinal rule of Oscar prognosticating: always go with the Holocaust.

[Joe Biden walks out]

Jeffrey: JOE BIDEN?!

Andres: Where’s Leslie Knope?!

[Commercial break, and the current running has Jeffrey and Andres both at 9, Andres’ Mom at 7, and Roberto at 6. Also, we found out that Brie Larson went and hugged every single person that was on stage with Lady Gaga. We love you Brie Larson.]

ORIGINAL SCORE

“And the Oscar goes to…”
THE HATEFUL EIGHT

Jeffrey: About time!

Andres: How is it Ennio Morricone’s FIRST one?

ORIGINAL SONG

“And the Oscar goes to…”
WRITING ON THE WALL

Andres: Boooo-ring.

Jeffrey: Second Bond theme to win in a row? That’s kind of boring.

[Ali G!]

Andres: This is the best.

DIRECTING

Andres: This is gonna be tough.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
ALEJANDRO G. INARRITU

Andres: No…….

Jeffrey: Fuck you! The emperor has no clothes!

[Innaritu prattles on endlessly.]

Andres: Why is he still going on?!

Jeffrey: He could have said the most profound shit, and I honestly wouldn’t care. Also, has there ever been a director less deserving of this award?

Andres: Actually…

giphy

[During commercials]

Andres: Warning everyone, a few years back when Her won best original screenplay, I screamed. I may do the same if Brie Larson wins.

LEADING ACTRESS

[During 45 Years, referring to Charlotte Rampling.]

Roberto: 45 years too old….

“And the Oscar goes to…”
BRIE LARSON

Andres: YESYESYESYESYESYES. There should have been a standing ovation right now.

LEADING ACTOR

[Cut to Matt Damon’s performance]

Roberto: CGI beard… now we know.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Andres: …well, it’s about damn time.

Roberto: Now the Academy is saying, “everyone, shut up.”

Jeffrey: I count this for Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, look at Tom Hardy… I’d let him violate me.

Roberto: I was about to say the same thing.

[Leo is saying that The Revenant is about man’s relationship to the natural world.]

Andres: Oh, is that what it’s about? Global Warming? Natives? I can’t keep track anymore.

RobertoLet’s not forget how tough it was to make it…

[And the cut to Kate Winslet, teary eyed and proud as ever]

Andres: Leo and Kate, every time.

[Morgan Freeman walks on]

Andres: Who doesn’t love Morgan Freeman?

[And the final award…]

BEST PICTURE

“And the Oscar goes to…”
SPOTLIGHT

Andres: KNEW IT!

[and time for the final numbers…

Roberto, 9. Andres’ Mom, 9. Jeffrey, 12. Andres, 13.]

Andres: Jeffrey and I have been doing this Oscar pool for the last three years, and he won the last two. I finally won. Alright! Post-Oscar time. Honestly, I’m okay with most of this. Outside of maybe four choices. Mark Rylance winning due to his great subtle performance isn’t something I’d be angry at in a lesser year, but when he’s up against Stallone… I have to argue with it. Best Director should have gone to anyone but Alejandro. I’m not angry that Lubezki won because the one truly great thing about that film is how gorgeous it is, though it’s frustrating that this is the third year in a row he’s won. Meanwhile,  Ed Lachman hasn’t won once. Lubezki now joins Robert Richardson and Vittorio Storaro (Apocalypse Now) as one of the (now 3) only cinematographers to win the Academy Award for three timesJohn Seale has won once for The English Patient, and then there’s Rogers Deakins who has been nominated for the award a staggering THIRTEEN TIMES but STILL hasn’t won. Four of those were over the past four years. It’s safe to say, I had an opinion on this matter. It’s not due to Deakins’ choice of digital over 35mm (or film in general, as none of the 5 were shot on 35mm) since the winner was shot on digital as well. Anyway, I did my post-rant. Jeffrey, your turn.

Jeffrey: I really don’t have much to say other than that this Oscars would have been really boring if I wasn’t with you guys. Some of the jokes that didn’t make it into this article were some of the hardest laughs I’ve had in a while. Who can’t wait until next year to do this all over again?

giphy

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s